One of my favourite theories I learned when studying was Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. Essentially, his theory is that there are three components of love…
Intimacy: the closeness a partner feels and the bond that binds them together
Passion: romantic feelings, physical attraction and sexual intimacy
Commitment: acknowledging love and being committed to maintaining the relationship
Then, the combination of those three types of love combine in different ways to create eight different types of love (and this is the v. interesting part for me…) so let’s take a look…
Firstly, you can experience nonlove which is essentially when none of the three base corners of love even exist. Bleak. But let’s be honest, these are quite a lot of our day to day interactions and in some cases can be how some peoples ‘love’ relationships look.
Secondly, some of these combos might really resonate with you in your relationship (and that’s okay!). This is a tool to look at maybe where your relationship sits currently and what you might be lacking/needing to work on if you want to have all three components…
The first combo: Intimacy and Commitment
This combo is called companionate love. This is where intimacy and commitment exist but without passion. Sternberg describes it as ‘a long-term, committed friendship, the kind that frequently occurs in marriages in which the physical (a major source of passion) has died down.’
For so many reasons relationships can sit in companionate love; young families, stressful work or seasons, lack of sexual desire, old age to only name a few.
Q: How can we create passion (not necessarily sex!) in our relationship in our season?
The second combo: Commitment and Passion
This combo is called fatuous love. This is where passion and commitment exist without intimacy. It probably sounds, looks and feels great but lacks real depth. According to Sternberg, fatuous love ‘is the kind of love we sometimes associate with Hollywood, or with whirlwind courtships, in which a couple meets on Day X, gets engaged two weeks later, and marries the next month’, where ‘a commitment is made on the basis of passion without the stabilising element of intimate involvement’.
A relationship can sometimes start here (intimacy can take time to develop) but if it stays here, it will struggle to stand the test of time.
Q: How can we deepen our connection to create intimacy together?
The third combo: Passion and Intimacy
This combo is called romantic love. This is where passion and intimacy exist without commitment. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time; this is an unlikely combo for you (unless you’re in a non-traditional style relationship such an open relationship). Think Romeo and Juliet lots of passion and intimacy but without any real commitment to one another. Sternberg describes it as ‘liking with an added element, namely, the arousal brought about by physical attraction and its concomitants’.
You might find yourself here before you make something official or before you decide to marry someone.
Q: What steps do we need to take to make commitment part of our relationship?
The golden combo (according to Sternberg..): Intimacy, Commitment and Passion
The last combo is called consummate love. This is when all three components of love are present in a relationship. This is the kind of love that most people imagine when they would fantasise about they aim to find. Outside of romantic relationships, consummate love can be found in many parents love for their children, often called unconditional love.
Commitment combined with deep intimacy and passion for one another can create a beautiful safe space for love to live and grow.
Q: How can we continue to value and care for each of these elements of our love?
I always find this so interesting and a great way to diagnose perhaps which parts of my relationship need more care.
Was this helpful for you? Where do you find your relationship might need some care?
