With it being Valentines week + in more recent years, also Galentines/Palentines; There’s lots of talk about the people we love. But I guess my thoughts are sitting more recently with our single friends. Probably not in the way you’d expect this blog to go either (feeling sorry for our poor, lonely single friends with no one to love…).

Unfortunately, that’s definitely a narrative in the church + subsequently in many peoples lives. The truth is that however much we try + talk about how family looks like the people you choose to live + love with. It’s still only seen as ‘family’ when it looks like marriage with kids. This goes much further than single people of course, it affects the way we see ‘family’ when it comes to single parents, LGBTQIA+ friends, couples without children (by choice or otherwise), widowers, divorcees + many more.

We know Paul’s says (1 Corinthians 7) that it’s better to stay single like him, unless you can’t exercise self-control then you should get married. He talks about how singleness is for some but not for all etc. So, we read this but we still seem to think that if someone’s single they’re missing out on something. I know this is a very solid narrative in the church, one that I’ll have definitely helped solidify.

All I wanted from a young age was to get married + have kids, in fact, I’ve never been a single adult(!) so I understand my input on this topic is limited in terms of lived experience. However, what I do have lived experience of is seeing lots of friends over years living as single people and making decisions in those years (some that have ended because they met someone + wanted to end their singleness).

Here are a few thoughts about those that have been single well (imo)…

• Being single doesn’t mean their life hasn’t started yet (or ends…)
• They are great, caring friends
• They achieve incredible things by themselves that others have only been able to achieve with someone else
• They seek God directly on the important decisions in their life
• If they believe that singleness isn’t a long term thing for them, they trust that God keeps His promises + don’t compromise on what that should look like

( P.S.: people in relationships can do all the above too, which shows me that it’s not all that different. Maybe these are basics, right?)

My best ‘aunties’ growing up were single women that our parents included as part of our family. They’d stay on Christmas Eve so they could open presents with us on Christmas morning, they’d look after me + my three sisters whilst my parents went away, they were my mums best friend that I didn’t know wasn’t my *actual* aunty until maybe my teenage years. I don’t recall wondering where their husbands were only when I was older did I realise that they didn’t have a husband or kids.

The truth is that they didn’t seem like they were ‘missing’ anything. I know now, as an adult, that one of them longed for kids, one of them had married + divorced young, one of them had a promise from God of a husband that she was holding onto.

We all long and want for things. The only time I see people saying they’re in their ‘waiting season’ is in relation to singleness. If the only time you’re in a ‘waiting season’ is for a partner then you’re probably not trusting God boldly enough for the many other things He has for you in life.

My questions are:

• How can we do better by our single friends?
• How can we reframe singleness in the church?

On a final note, even those that are in a relationship will have at one point been single + will potentially live life as a single person again (however sad that might feel for you). If we are only made whole by having another half, does that mean that single people can’t experience wholeness? Or is that something we should find in God? xoxo