This blog post is to be read with the understanding that sex always requires consent to be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific.

Initiation.

Who would have thought that initiating sex in a safe, secure relationship could be so difficult? Usually there’s one partner in the relationship that is chief initiator. They take responsibility for make the advances, making the suggestions or dipping their toe in the proverbial water to see if there’s a chance of a swim. That role might fit the designated partner perfectly, but what if they grow tired of it? Or what if no-one in the relationship is the first to ‘make the move’.

One of the reasons that being the initiator of sex in a relationship can be so difficult is because we’re scared of rejection. Of course, rejection on any level is usually avoided if possible so when it comes to potentially being rejected by your lover, it’s normal to want to prevent that. Rejection kicks up all kinds of feelings of pain and insecurity whilst replaying a montage in our minds of all our previous rejections (a clear reminder of why we weren’t going to try in the first place!).

Initiation in general life might be more of a natural action for you; you initiate the difficult to have conversation, you initiate the next big decision like a house move or new job but when it comes to sex; it just doesn’t feel as natural. This is pretty common.

So here are my thoughts:

If you feel happy in the current state of your relationship; initiation is shared or you know who the dominant initiator is and they’re happy to have that role. Yay. Enjoy. Maybe just keep an eye on if that moves into being a frustration for either of you.

If lack of initiative for one or both of you is a frustration then here’s some simple but not always easy tips:

• Talk about it. The obvious but most avoided option. Talking to your partner about why they don’t initiate sex or you reflecting on why it’s uncomfortable for you to initiate is vulnerable. But if done well (calmly with openness + consideration for one another) it can create space to come to agreement on how to best love each other in this aspect.
  
  
• Give it a go. Initiating sex usually requires more than just asking you’re partner if they’re up for it. Consider what makes your partner feel loved and cared for before you’re suggesting sex. It’s likely that if they appreciate your help around the home and you’ve just come in from work after a long day (the same long day they’ve had too..), wait for your tea, scroll on your phone for 2 hours then put in your moves; its unlikely they’re going to be enthusiastic about the prospect. Foreplay starts before sex and it looks like: appreciation, time, encouragement, fun, doing the hoovering without being asked, leaving the postcode, (insert how your partner feels loved without sex).
  
  
• Take rejection well. This can sound impossible for some (me included!). If we can manage our feelings about what it means to receive a ‘no’ or ‘not tonight, love’ it can allow us to take the answer without also taking the feelings of rejection and shame along with it too. Something to consider might be that no to sex doesn’t necessarily mean no to intimacy with one another. Not tonight might mean, lets just cuddle tonight or can we talk about our days together instead.*
  
  
• Talk with someone about it. If lack of initiation is something that continues to be a frustration for either or both of you. Speak together with someone that can provide wise counsel. Don’t just allow the frustration to grow roots down into your relationship.

Remember, sex is a lifelong journey. There’s times when it feels easier than others and when it seems to work better than other times. We have to continue to learn and grow together.

*disclaimer: talking about your day or having a cuddle isn’t going to make your sexual frustration disappear and necessarily satisfy the physical needs that you’re experiencing in that moment. However, using the seeming rejection as a transition to experiencing intimacy in another kind of way will lessen the blow. No to sex followed by leaving the partner that said no alone in a room and going to watch TV isn’t going to affirm that sex is just one way you can deepen your intimacy together.